I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
