Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
