So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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