it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
