i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
