i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
