So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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