my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
