...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
