Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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