woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
