Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
