If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
