turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
