i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
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