Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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