Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
