is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
