I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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