You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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