I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
