she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
