Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
