I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
