Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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