I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS