im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
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u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
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Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single