I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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