you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
