I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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