you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
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I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
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Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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