Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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