apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
