Porn is love you can see.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
