im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
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i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
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Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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