His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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