Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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