Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
