Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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