i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
