You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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