There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
