my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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