god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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