I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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