What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
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Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
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I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
The ass gains better be worth it
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