Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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