the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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