Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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