I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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