I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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