Yo dont text me then not text me
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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