remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I won't apologize to a one balled man
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
