Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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