The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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