the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
just tell him i said nine months
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
