I wish they made helmets for livers.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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