The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
